Actung! The main body of this document is a lemon. Or, for those among you who claim ignorance/stupidity/naivety, or if you want to quote this case where 'lemon' will not suffice, it's an 'erotic fan-fiction'. This has two effects. #1, it should be only read by people over 18, or over the age of consent in your jurisdiction. If you are not, then you should close this window and delete the file. Or save it until you are. So there. #2, I do not in any size, shape, colour or form claim any rights to the characters herein. They remain the intellectual property of Gainax, and are thus theirs. This is simply a lowly fan-fiction. And finally, the following has been classified MA. It contains Nudity, Adult Themes, Occasional Coarse Language, Sexual References and High Level Sex Scenes. And humour. It's all about the humour. People need to take their lemons lighter. Funny is good. If you smile occasionally through this story, then I have achieved my goal. If you don't, then screw you, I didn't need your sense of humour anyway.. -_^ And lastly, if you find the story mildly arousing, then all the better. Hope you enjoy it.... <<< Neon Genesis Evangelion >>> Damn Giant Beer Cans. The Place: Tokyo-3, Earth. The time: 2018. Having successfully beat the snot out of the Angels, the world has once more degenerated into petty rivalry. Defence networks are used to intimidate the very people they were constructed to protect. It is a time of strife and chaos. The personell at Nerv are no exception. They're always on edge, and they're having trouble thinking up titles for stories. But that's outside the scope. Rei. Asuka. Shinji. They're all over 18, and they're all having sex. That's all you need to know. Shinji approached the door with trepidation. He'd been in his fathers office quite a few times now, and he found nothing in that fact to give him any kind of comfort. Nervously he plucked at the sleeve of his shirt, then tapped softly at the door. He turned to go when he felt the rush of displaced air behind him. Peering into the darkness, he could just make out his fathers face, gently illuminated by the light of his terminal. Gendo Ikari had his fingers crossed before his face, his eyes unreadable behind the lenses of his glasses. "What?" his voice carried through the office. Shinji flinched, then firmed his resolve. "Father... I...." "What?" "Father... I... I mean we... want a pay rise... For all the extra work we are doing..." "No. Leave." Automatically the boy turned to go. He turned back to the desk. "We get paid only as much as the entry-level mechanics... I looked, we're more important, but we don't get paid enough. Okay, we're still children, but th-" Gendo interruped. "You're going to argue this one out, aren't you?" Shinji nodded, his train of thought derailed. "Then you may have a pay rise. Now leave." The younger Ikari blinked. "You have what you came for. Leave." Stunned, Shinji turned and left. The door closed heavily behind him. When she was sure the coast was clear, Ritsuko crawled out from the foot-space in Gendo's desk. She was coughing slightly. "He's just like you, no sense of timing." she teased. A ghost of a smile flitted across Gendo's face as he wiped a little wetness from the corner of her lips, "If you hadn't flinched in that way when he knocked, I may have been able to keep my willpower." >From the darkness beneath the desk, Fyutski's muffled voice could be heard muttering, "This is all going to your plan, too?" "Did I tell you to stop, Fyutski?" "You aren't my superior, Dr. Akagi." "Commander... Tell him to keep going." she pleaded. "Fyutski." "Yes, sir?" "Keep going." "Yes, sir." "See? What did I tell you? I told you he'd come round." Asuka gloated as the three children walked down the long empty corridors of the Geofront. "Well, he did seem to give in pretty easily. He looked sort of distracted, insofar as my father can look distracted." Rei smiled smugly behind their backs, having a pretty good idea of exactly what was distracting him. Rounding the corner, they almost ran smack bang into Misato, who was heading in the opposite direction. "Oh. There you three are. Security said you'd be here somewhere. Come on, I have something I need to show you." "Awwww, Misato... We were just about to go home." Asuka whined. "Yes, Asuka, I know what you three were going to do," she paused for effect, smirking slightly as all three coloured, "But I really think that you should see this." Without any more to-do, she turned and strode off down the corridor, leading the three pilots behind her. After a brisk walk which left Shinji breathless, they reached the main Eva cage. As usual, the three Evangelions were sitting in their restraints, neck-deep in LCL baths. There wasn't anything unusual. "Uh... Misato... There's nothing changed...." murmered Shinji. "No, come on, you have to see this. It's really really cool." she enthused, dragging all three of them into one of the cargo elevators, which slowly descended to the hangar floor. She all but ran over to a section where one of the large used rifle shells was sitting on its end. They were kind of expensive, so it was common practice to retrieve as many as possible after a battle. It was just a common or garden variety shell case. Assuming common or garden variety shell cases are about half the size of a small car. The difference was that this one had been painted like a Yebusi beer can. All three pilots blinked. Misato giggled and ran up to hug the giant cylinder. "You like it? I did it myself. I wanna see if I can get it put on the balcony. Think it'd suit it up there, Shinji?" But she was talking to empty space. A rapidly receding elevator and three clouds of dust indicated that they'd left in quite a great hurry. "Bah.... Some people have no appreciation of art." Misato sulked, stepping back once more to admire her handiwork. "There's no other explanation. She's gone insane. NERV's operational commander is a nut-case." Asuka was adamant. "I mean, REALLY.... Why did she do it, if she hasn't lost it?" Even Shinji was hard-put to defend Misato, "I guess it's her way of coping with stress. Maybe it's just a passing phase." "Even so, I hope it passes quickly. Remember the time when she decided that we weren't eating enough greens?" Shinji shuddered at the memory, "Please, no." Rei looked at the both of them confusedly, "I do not follow." she said, one eyebrow raised a little. "You haven't seen Misato's idea of 'greens', have you Rei?" answered Asuka. The blue-haired girl made a little sniff of amusement and shook her head, "I'm not sure if I want to." Asuka grinned evilly, "Well, allow me to tell you anyway. First, she starts with some cabbage, and then she gets some seaweed..........." The three were hanging off each other, helpless with giggling, by the time they reached Rei's apartment. Weak with laughter, they stumbled inside and flopped onto the bed together and lay there, laughing as Shinji and Asuka embellished Misato's culinary skills with leafy matter. Shinji sniggered, feeling a little ill at the memories of the infamous 'thai-green-vegetarian-curry-salad-combo' despite himself, when he realised that he was laughing alone. Opening his eyes, he saw that Asuka and Rei were lying beside him, heads turned, staring into each others eyes. "You have very pretty eyes, Rei." "Thank you." she blushed, "Yours are pretty, too." Shinji watched as they moved their heads closer.... closer.... closer... their lips finally touching with a gorgeous wet noise. He could see the quick flash of a tounge occasionally. He broke his attention off for a bit, and found that he was incredibly hard. He moved his gaze slowly from the fly on his trousers to the two females in front of him... Rei exhaled again, drew in a deep breath, laden with the unique smell of Asuka, smiled in the kiss as the soft stream of air tickled her face. She pushed her tounge into the other girls mouth, feeling it slither past her lips, tracing the hard curves of her teeth, the slight points of her canines. Asuka pulled away a little, sucking provovatively at Rei's tounge, then pushed back into the kiss, raising a hand to stroke her blue hair, rubbing at her earlobes gently. Rei shivered. It was very good. She could feel Shinji's body heat near her legs, and feel his hands brushing at her thighs, pushing her dress up. She snaked one arm around Asuka, at the same time lifting her weight onto her shoulders and feet, thus raising herself up and allowing Shinji to remove her underwear. Then he just stopped. She broke off her kiss to turn and look at him. The dark-haired boy was kneeling to one side, her panties still clutched tightly in one hand. His fly was open and his erection was sticking out. She looked into his eyes, and saw.... nothing. It frightened her. "Hey, what's the hol-" Asuka began, then stopped, looking at Shinji's face. It was totally expressionless. There was nothing in his eyes, his mouth perfectly level and firm, as if it had been carved from stone. "S-Shinji? What's wrong? What's the matter?" He swivelled his head to look at her, fixing her with a dull gaze. But... But... But... But there was a glint in his eyes, a tiny glimmer. It was laughter. Shinji broke into a huge grin at the expressions on both their faces. "Like that? I've been practicing." Asuka sneered. "Ha ha. Very funny, Third child. I'm sure that your Gendo impersonations will be the life of any party." "It was scary, Shinji." murmered Rei. "Yeah, she's right. Keep doing that and you can go back to your hand. Doing you like that. Ugh. It'd be like fucking your dad." The scene suffered a slight hiatus while all three shuddered. "What? What's wrong with that?" ranted Gendo Ikari, slamming his fist against the monitor, "What are they implying? They can't do that to me! Damn pilots. I'm sure they're in some sort of plot against me! What's wrong with me having sex?" Behind him, Fyutski smirked silently. Rei gasped as Shinji ran his fingertips along the sensitive ridges between her thighs. She turned and looked at him, saw his eyes filled with love and glazed with lust. She sighed contentedly, and turned back to plant her lips on Asukas', mashing together as Shinji pressed into her. Rei contracted herself around the warm thickness inside her, the pleasing sensations it gave her, the feeling of closeness and contact and fulfilment, and moaned with joy. Asuka broke off the kiss as Shinjis' movements caused Rei's face to move too fast for her to follow with her lips, so she ran her hands down to her pale breasts, letting the perfect white skin and rosy nipples move beneath her palms. She could feel Rei's sweat providing a slight lubrication. She grinned up at Shinji, who attempted to smile back and gasp at the same time. "Oh Rei?" she smiled. "Mmmmmmmmf?" was the panted reply. "Your breasts are all damp and sweaty." "Mmmmmm.... I... I.. know..." Asuka ran her hands lower... "You're getting damper, you know, the further I get." Rei giggled and wriggled beneath her, with Shinji still inside her. "I think I've found where you're most damp, too..." Asuka slipped her forefingers along Rei's labia, sliding easily in her and Shinji's combined liquids. "Yep. You're most damp here." Asuka giggled, watching with interest as Shinji pressed into Rei again. She looked up at him and he was blushing. "Asuka..." "Yes, Third child?" "Uhh...." "Why're you blushing, Shinji?" murmered Rei, who'd surfaced from the fog of pleasure to take note of proceedings. "Asuka's watching.. It's putting me off..." "As opposed to getting you off?" Asuka asked back at Rei. "Mmmmmm.... I was so close, too..." she pouted cutely. "You heard the woman, Shinji. Keep going." Shinji tried not to look at Asuka, who he knew was grinning ferally up at him through her red hair, and put all his concentration into finishing the job at hand. It wasn't long. Rei was indeed very close. Just as she came, Asuka struck. In one movement she ran her fingertips along the length of Shinji's penis and cupped his balls gently, and ran her tounge from navel to root in a single slurping stroke. Shinji was very close, too.... Asuka chased the pale pearls of Shinji's cum around with her fingers, outlining the blue pubic hair and the contours of Rei's most private parts with glistening trails. "Rei?" "Yes?" came the contented reply. "You're even damper now." Asuka grinned, and planted a soft kiss/lick in the very center of her work. "Is that so, Miss Sorhyu?" asked Shinji, struggling upright, "Then let's see if you're any different." Asuka eeeked happily as she was pinned down and stripped. "I was right. She isn't any different." Shinji said triumphantly. "I wonder if the same theory applies to you, pilot Ikari." Shinji looked surprisedly at Rei's mischevious smile, and eeeked as he was pinned down and stripped. "Damn straight, Rei. It does apply. Only in his case, much more." Rei licked some of the cum from her lips and nodded, "_MUCH_ more. ^_^" The three settled down in a snug heap on the bed, and drifted off to sleep in each others arms. Later that night, Shinji, Asuka and Rei walked back to Misato's apartment. Shinji slid open the door. It was quiet. Too quiet. Misato should have been rattling about, or at least passed out and snoring. Rounding the corner to the living room, they saw why. Misato's giant beer can dominated the living room. Scattered about it was quite a percentage of the Nerv bridge crew. Beer fumes filled the room. Ritsuko and Maya were slumped together next to the couch, Hyuga was asleep on the table and Kaji was curled up in the middle of the floor, blowing snot-bubbles in his slumber, his arms wrapped around Pen^2, who was in turn clutching half of a six-pack. Misato herself was passed out, head and shoulders in the can. Her clothing was draped over odd pieces of furniture, leaving her only in her underwear. All three pilots face-faulted and grew sweatdrops. "I guess this would explain why Aoba was wandering about in the parking lot shouting for the kappa to come out and fight." murmered Shinji. The other two nodded. After a while of just standing and staring, Asuka said, "Could we possibly stay at your place tonight, Rei?" Rei nodded. All threee turned around and walked out, closing the front door behind them. "Arrrrrgggggggggghh!! There youse loushy khaapash are! C'me ofer heere 'n figshht!" shouted Aoba, and passed out on the asphalt. ------------------------------------ 'Tis done. Liked it? Didn't like it? Think the ending sucked? Know of a 'big-object-painted-like-a-beer-can' exploit that you'd like to tell me about? Do it! Send your emails to: violencejack@hotmail.com Email now and save me from a fate worse than deaf!