Generic stock-standard Lemon/Fan-fic warning. The following body of text is a lemon fan-fic. If you know what I'm on about, and know how to react, then you can jump right to the chase, and ignore the rest of this. Otherwise: I do not in any way, size, shape or form, claim to have made, thought of, or own any of the characters. They are the property of Gainax, and in no way reflect on their work. Second, if you read this, then you will quite possibly read things to do with sex. There. I said it. Sex. I said it again. If you're under 18, then I recommend that you don't read this. But I can't actually stop you. I've just said that you shouldn't. If you've been offended by now, then you probably should get rid of this file as the remainder of it will most definitely annoy you. There's also some possibility for coarse language, too... Isn't it weird...I mean 'coarse language' like it's sandpaper or something... Anyway, there's swearing in the story, too. So if you don't like sex or swearing then you should go. Now. For the three or four percent of readers who are still with me, allow me to get on with it... -_^ <<< Neon Genesis Evangelion >>> The Kensuke Episode. Four years ago, a boy was shown a giant android and told to fight in it.... Time has passed. The boy is now... well... a teenager.... He's 18. The angels are gone, but he's still a pilot. As are Asuka and Rei. Shinji's having sex with them both, but that's okay, because no-one really minds. After finishing school for the year, everyone begins to get insanely bored, and thinking far too hard for their own benefit... "Shinji! Wait up!" Shinji turned and slowed his walk, allowing Kensuke and Toji to catch up to him. It was holidays, but NERV personel didn't get time off. Consequently, employees such as Shinji, and children from NERV-employed families, such as Kensuke and Toji, were still in the city. "Oh, hi you guys." "Shinji. It's been a long time." Toji greeted him with a nod. It had actually been quite a while since they'd seen each other, without the common meeting- place of school. "We've got to ask you something. We've been debating it a lot, and we need an answer." Kensuke said, pushing his glasses back up onto his nose. "Uh... sure... What?" "How on earth did you manage to get both Rei AND Asuka into bed?" It was the next-to-last question Shinji was expecting. If it was something about the NERV policy on recruiting staff, he would have coped. If it was about quantum physics and the applications to faster-than-light travel, he could have dealt with it. If it was asking which of the Sailor Scouts he found most attractive, he probably could have made a reasonable answer, although he would have started worrying a little about Mr. Aida's sanity. But there it was, the question that was just above 'In a battle royale between Pen^2, Kaworu, Mad Max and Yoda, allowing only quarterstaves, beer-cans and goose-liver pate as weapons, who would win, and in why?' in the unexpectedness stakes. Shinji had thought that his relationship with the other two pilots was semi- secret, the knowledge limited only to himself, the other two parties in question, the upper echelons of NERV command staff, and the two hundred-odd people who were on duty the day Asuka blabbed it all over the open communication channel in an effort to gain the upper hand during combat training. With all the skill and grace he could muster, he took a calm breath, and fell over in shock. "C'mon, Shinji. You can't evade answering for ever." grinned Toji, hauling him upright again. "Yeah. You seriously think we'll believe that you're too shy to talk about it?" "Okay." Shinji took a deep breath, and began, "We were all sitting on the lookout one day, just talking, we were all really bored, and then the wind began to pick up. Rei said she reckoned that it would storm......" About half an hour later: "And then we all just fell asleep under a quilt. And that's how it went." "Wow." Toji breathed, his face bright red. "....." Kensuke's face was bright red, too, as was his hand, arm and handkerchief, thanks to the projectile nosebleeds that he'd been suffering from all throughout the story. Passers-by had stared curiously at them, two blushing teenagers, and one with a potentially lethal nosebleed. Those that overheard snatches of the conversation left with disbelieving looks on their faces. "I STILL can't believe the bit about the pizza" Toji shook his head in disbelief. "I can't, and I was there at the time. The whole thing was kinda unreal." "I know... I know..." Shinji stopped and looked at him. "How do you know?" "I...I mean.... I think I know how it'd be unreal... I mean, I can imagine...uh ...." Kensuke wiped the last of the blood from his nose. "How do you know, Toji?" he grinned, glasses glinting in the afternoon light, "Something that you aren't telling us?" "I...I..I...I..." "Mr. Aida, I do believe that our dear friend Mr. Suzahara has had a little experience as well..." "I do believe that you're right, Mr. Ikari. C'mon, Toji. Spill it. Tell all." Toji calmed himself, and told them. Another half-hour later. "Crikey." Toji nodded. "I can't belive that Hikari would be like that.... I mean, she's always so uptight and everything...." "Like I said, the whole thing was kinda unreal." Kensuke didn't say anything. He was down to his absolute minimum amount of blood. If he so much as pricked his finger, it was likely he'd suffer a rather nasty demise. The three walked in silence, just thinking for a few minutes, until Kensuke stuffed his blood-encrusted handkerchief back in his pocket and hacked and spat the blood-clot out of his throat. "That's disgusting." "Sorry. But you try having twenty seven consecutive nosebleeds and being graceful about it." Toji grinned. "So, Kensuke, looks like you're the odd one out. Even cold-bitch Rei.." he caught the warning look from Shinji "Sorry, Shinji. Even Rei's had more sex than you have." "That's not saying much, Toji. She's had more sex than you and Hikari combined." Shinji automatically took the Kensuke's side, defending him against the onslaught. Toji snorted, "Yeah, well tonight we'll be one or two points closer to her score." "By which time, she'll've progressed by about nine or ten points. And we don't have to go to work tommorrow, and so there'll be another few hours. So make that about thirty five." Toji and Kensuke gaped. "Holy shit...." "Yeah, like he said... Holy shit.... How do you..... I mean...." "Well.... About half of those are courtesy of Asuka. And you don't have to always do it... conventionally... you know. There ARE other ways." Shinji wriggled his fingers until he was sure that they both caught his drift. "Shinji, I salute you!" Toji snapped a parade-ground salute at him. Kensuke was just about to mirror the action when they were interrupted by two simultaneous beepings. Shinji looked at his watch, as did Toji. "4:30... I've gotta go meet Hikari." "Yeah, I'd better be off if I'm to get there before they start without me..." "Uh.. okay... Bye." Kensuke waved as they both took off at a run. Kensuke screamed at the top of his voice as the hail of bullets mowed down the marauding ninja. "Hahahahahahahaha! Who wanta some wang? You want a little? Come get some!" he yelled at the computer, managing to quote from several different sources in one taunt. He always found that destroying things helped blow off tension. His father was away on business, so there was nothing from stopping him playing pre-Second-Impact computer games and shouting. He fired off a last nuke, and watched as it blew the final boss into slag. He sat back, exalted, and hummed along to the ending music. Somewhere, deep inside him, trecherous voices nagged at him, called him otaku, but he drowned them out. He didn't need sex....He didn't need girls... He didn't need anyone... He was quite happy playing games. Guns were the perfect subsitute.... They were....weren't they? "Who am I kidding?" he asked the computer screen, which ignored him and continued displaying the final credits. "Those bastards." He thought about Toji and Shinji. Right now they were probably happily pumping away at the sweating body of their respective partner. Or partners, as the case may be. Actually, he was half-right. Toji was happily pumping away at Hikari's sweating body. Shinji was pinned to Rei's bed under two bodies that were doing strange, but still intensely pleasant things to him and each other. They'd already finished the first round of pumping into sweating bodies. "Those bastards." Kensuke sighed. He grabbed a 'Super Magical Female Fighting Team: Leather' manga from the collection underneath his bed, and retired to the bathroom for a super- long-extended relief session... Two minutes later: Kensuke walked out of the bathroom. He felt a little better, but was still frustrated. And irritated, having inadvertantly caused the center-section of his H-manga to stick together. Spreading it out open under his bed to dry, he wandered off to the kitchen to get something to eat. There was a heap of instant food in the cupboard, so he opened up a cup of instant ramen, and stuck the kettle on to boil. He caught a sight of his reflection in the slightly shiny window, and paused to check himself out. He didn't look that bad..... Nice cheek-bones.... no bad acne... muscle tone was good. He struck a body- builder's pose, and sniggered at the result. He posed again, this time trying for rakish charm. He failed, miserably, his grin looking more like a leer. He left his reflection to flex its muscles, and poured the boiling water onto the noodles, waiting less than half the approved time before beginning to eat them. Shoveling the ramen into his mouth, he switched on the TV and flopped down on the sofa, feeding himself with one hand and flicking channels with the other. 'Every year, pods of migratory whales leave these shores to' 'add the vegetables, which should be soft by now, and' 'ring 713-PIZZA, for the fastest pizza in' 'sea' 'probiscus' 'wipe-clean finish' He didn't even bother watching. There was nothing on that was worth watching. The television programming had gone to hell for the holidays. Kensuke was now entering the phase of extreme boredom. He began to suspect things. He wasn't normal. Everyone else was out having sex, and he alone was at home by himself because no-one had told him otherwise. There was a global conspiracy against him. They were watching him. They were depriving him of relief as part of ongoing experiments. Aliens were using mind-control on the citizens of the world, and only he was immune to it. He was the last, best hope of mankind. He was 'Mr. Neutron', the most powerful being in the galaxy, having lost his memory in an accident..... Kensuke's hormone-fevered brain extrapolated further and further, until it reached the critical boundary, and paranoia took over. He raced about, switching off all the lights, and pulling the curtains. Covering anywhere that could possibly conceal a camera or microphone in his room, he hid under the blankets with an armful of hot-water bottles to fool infra-red detection. He emerged all of 30 seconds later, sweating profusely, and feeling rather foolish. Gendo Ikari breathed out in relief as the Aida boy went about the house uncovering all of the hidden cameras and generally making things tidy. It wasn't that he was doing anything that needed monitoring, but the Commander just felt uneasy not knowing everything.... He reached out and punched a few keys, changing the camera group to those situated in Rei's apartment. Behind him, Fyutski shifted. It was understandable. Gendo wasn't actually aware that the human body could bend in that manner, but it was evidently possible. "That's a little... disturbing... Sir." "Do you object, Fyutski?" "No, Sir.... I was just making conversation...." Gendo snorted and returned his gaze to the sweat-drenched figures energetically humping on his monitor. Misato gobbled up the last of the noodles floating about in the soup, drained her beer, and burped happily. Across the table from her, Pen^2 grabbed his can in his beak, tipped his head, and finished the entire beer in one hit. "Wow! Way to go, Pen-pen! It's been a while since it was just us two, hey? They usually come home to at say hello before they spend the night at Rei's. At least, I assume they're staying at Rei's. Still, I suppose I can't blame them. People are like that, they just can't bear to be away from the ones that they love." Misato stared dreamily out of the window, her eyes widening. "I don't know how I manage... Staying here, alone, night after night. It just all gets too much, y'know?" "Squaaaarrk?" Pen^2 crushed his empty beer can and looked pleadingly at her. "Heh. Okay. I bet I can match you one for one." She grabbed a few six-packs from the fridge, took one for herself, then popped open a can and plonked it down in front of the penguin. "Salut!" "Squaaaarrkk!!" Kensuke spent the rest of that night browsing the internet. He tried to get interested in the military pages, but it wasn't much use. Even hacking into his fathers data files didn't hold the same appeal anymore. He pondered briefly scanning for adult sites, but they had mostly vanished after the Second Impact, and his H-mangas were much more imaginative. Sighing, he turned the computer off, and made preperations for bed. Toji was already in bed, his arms wrapped lovingly around Hikari. She was smiling in her sleep. Toji brushed her lips with his gently and laid his head down on the pillow to sleep, inhaling the rich scent of her hair with each breath. Shinji was in bed as well, and although he was tired, he didn't think that he'd get much sleep that night. Not unless he knocked Asuka and Rei unconcious, tied them up, then locked them in a cellar. Sneezing as a few stray short curly red hairs tickled his nose, he resumed his light nipping and licking of hot wet flesh. He stifled a grin at the moans this elicited, and decided that going sleepless was going to be much more fun. Dr. Akagi hung up the phone and groaned. "What's the problem, Ma'am?"asked Maya, looking worried. "They-who-must-be-obeyed want the data analysis and evaluation of the catapult positions done by tommorrow." "But all that data is being done by Mr. Aida, and he's at Tokyo-2 for the conference on stra-" "Yes, I know that. Plus the Commander wants me to do 'overtime' again, tonight." "Again, Ma'am? That's the third time this week." "I know... I know... I swear it's all the fault of the pilots." "That's being a little harsh, isn't it, Ma'am? I mean, they don't really know they're being watched.... Do they?" "Mmmmmm.... Maybe you're right. Still, that doesn't help us now, does it?" "Why can't we do the analysis ourselves? Mr. Aida just uses the MAGI to do it, so we could just plug the data straight in, and say that it's a preliminary report pending further investigation." Ritsuko smiled at the younger woman. "You're getting far too good at beaurocracies for your own good, Miss Ibuki. The problem is we don't have the data. I can only assume that it's on his personal computer." "But he wouldn't take something so important away with him?" "No... He wouldn't... Maybe it's still on his computer at his apartment..." "Would Security allow us to go and get it?" "We wouldn't even need to do that. I think his son would be there." "Kensuke? Shinji's friend?" "The same." "We could go and get it now before it gets too late, then analyse it tommorrow?" "Yes..Oh, I almost forgot... I've got to reboot the MAGI network gateway again. It's going to take ages.... Plus on top of that, the 'overtime'.... I can't get any break." "Don't worry, Ma'am... I could go and fetch the data, and bring it in tommorrow." "Would you, Maya? That'd be a great help. It'll make my life so much easier." "No problems.... I'll see you tommorrow, then?" "Of course. I doubt if I'll even get home, so I should still be here." Maya deftly packed her briefcase, folded up her neat little lap-top, and waved. "Goodbye, Ma'am." Ritusko smiled and waved back. "Bye. I really do appreciate this, Maya." Ritsuko stood and watched as the brunette swayed her tight butt out of the door, then turned and prepared to reboot the MAGI gateway. Kensuke was in the middle of his nightly game 'See-how-many-thrown-shoes-it- takes-to-turn-off-the-light', and was considering cheating by aiming at the bulb instead of the switch, when the doorbell rang. He quickly leapt out of bed and ran to the door. Peeping through the spy-hole, all he could see was another eye staring back at him. He unchained and unlocked the door, mentally preparing to leap for the baseball bat he had hidden behind the lounge. The door swung open to reveal a very attractive young woman in a NERV technicians uniform, clutching a briefcase and a lap-top. Kensuke stared. "Hi. Kensuke Aida? I'm Maya Ibuki... I work for NERV... Your fathers organisation?" "uhhhh... Hi......." "I hope I didn't get you out of bed..." "Huh? Oh, no... I was just... uh.... watching TV...." Maya craned her neck. She could just make out the television, and it was black and silent. "May I come in?" Kensuke realised that she was still standing in the open door-way. The boy smacked his head to make it shut up, then stood aside to allow her in. "They're.... interesting pyjamas...." Kensuke looked down, and saw that he was still in the cut-off urban camoflage fatigues that he wore as pyjamas. "Uh... hehe... You never know when you might not want to be seen...." "I've actually come to ask you if it would be possible to look for some data on your fathers computer." "Um... Well... I... I suppose.... but..." Maya produced her NERV ID card and handed it to him. He seemed to study every detail of it, even the magnetic strip at the back as if that could tell him something. He held it up, then looked at her to compare the pictures. Maya played her trump card. The only way it wouldn't work is if the boy was blind or gay. She broke into her most stunning smile at him, the one that she kept for Dr. Akagi. He could see well enough, and he wasn't gay, so it worked. Kensuke melted instantly. "It's okay. I belive that you're her... I mean you... I mean..." Maya kept her smile on. "So do you mind? I'm not keeping you up, am I?" She was, in fact, but she couldn't see it because of the loose cut of the heavy camoflaged material. "No... no.. not at all... The computer is this way... Would you like some tea or something?" "Tea, if it isn't too much trouble?" "Sure... Here's the computer... I'll just go and make it, shall I?" Maya smiled to herself. she thought as she waited while the PC booted up and chimed at her. Plugging the link cable into her laptop, and slaving the PC's hard-drive to her laptop, she began the arduous task of searching for one data file in the hundreds stored there. Maya was faintly aware of a presence by her shoulder, and found herself automatically drinking from the cup of tea placed on the desk, but found herself too immersed in sifting through files too pay the boy much attention. Slowly she got into the rhythm of it, and could divert a little attention away from the stream of data to her host, even though her attempts at conversation were poor. "So, Kensuke. How've the holiday's been?" "Boring. As usual... There's not much to do without friends." "Shinji? And do you know Toji Suzahara?" "Yeah. They're not.... around.... much." "Oh.... That's not good." "So what's it like? Working at NERV, I mean?" Maya sighed, "It's good, I guess.... I'm doing something I enjoy, even if I don't agree with some of the projects. But it puts food on the table, and I get to work with interesting people..." Maya stopped, realising she was talking about herself to someone that she'd met only a few minutes ago. She was jolted back to the computer as she saw something that matched the vague image she had of what she was looking for. She checked the dates, and they seemed right, too. "That's it!" "You found it?" Kensuke sounded slightly disappointed. "Yes. I'll just copy it." Maya began transferring the file across to her lap- top, and swung around in her chair to face the boy sitting behind her. "Maya?" "Kensuke." There was a fire in her eyes. "Do you....." "Yes." "Then take me now, you short-haired demon of lust!" Kensuke yelled, tearing off his shirt. Maya stood and pushed away the swivel-chair, and unzipped her uniform jacket. She shrugged the beige garment off her shoulders and stood there, displaying her bra-clad torso for his approval. Kensuke widened his eyes even more, insofar as it was possible, and moved to grab her. She practically melted into his arms, and responded when he placed his mouth to hers. Kensuke was in seventh heaven, on cloud nine, and various other numbered paradises. All his dreams, desires and the majority of his fantasies were coming true. He wondered just how far he could push it. Hesitantly he slid one flattened hand into the waist-band of the white tights the woman wore. He felt the slight elastic resistance and silken softness of whatever she was wearing underneath on his fingertips. She wrapped herself around him, and Kensuke knew that they were going to go all the way... Kensuke awoke and shook his head groggily. He was in his bed. It was dark. By the dull red LED display on his clock he could see that it was about 1:30AM. He groaned. The entire thing was only a dream, Maya Ibuki probably didn't even exist... He stumbled out to the kitchen to get a drink, turning on lights as he went. But....there was a slight perfume in the air.... something that wasn't his teenage odour, or his fathers heavy smell... This was light and sweet. He looked over at the PC, and saw that the cables had been changed and a laptop- sized space had been cleared on the desk. Kensuke tried to remember, but he couldn't actually tell what happened, what was real, and what was the dream. After a brief open-and-stare session with the cupboard, he managed to get a glass and put it under the sink tap. Turning on the water, he stared at his bleary-eyed, tousle-headed reflection. Something was wrong.... Turning his head to the right slightly, he could see a mark on his left cheek. Wiping at it, he saw his fingers were slightly pink, and felt greasy. A brief sniff indicated that it had the same scent as the air. Kensuke retired to bed, but sleep was a long time coming. For several hours he just sat and wondered at what happened. There were a lot of questions, for which only three people had the answers, one of which was him. He was actually unwilling to undergo deep hypnosis therapy, so that was one scratched. Actually seeking out and asking Miss Ibuki could prove.... embarassing, so that was probably gone, too. The third person was Gendo Ikari, but Kensuke didn't know about the hidden cameras that would have shown him the whole story, and at any rate, the Commander wasn't at all interested in the antics of either him or the Eva pilots. Most of his concentration was being used on Dr. Akagi, who was 'punching in' for her overtime. Kensuke gave up, after a while, and decided to forget the whole thing. He was still a virgin, he still hadn't had any, and he was still going to be sexually frustrated for the rest of his adolesence. There was no use losing sleep over spilt milk... Or milk that hadn't been spilt, as the case may be, metaphorically speaking. He pulled the sheets over his head, and went to sleep. Ending: Closing credits as per normal, except with a red filter instead of blue, and a Marilyn Manson cover of 'Fly me to the moon' Liked it? Didn't like it? Feel angry at me for being such a bitch to Kensuke? Have spare time and want to email someone completely random? Have an issue of 'Super Magical Female Fighting Team: Leather' that I could have? My email is: violencejack@hotmail.com Be well, peoples.... I found the 'take me now, you short-haired demon of lust', or something like it, in another Evangelion fan-fic, and I think it's an excellent line. Full credit goes to whoever wrote said story. Mr. Neutron is actually from an old 'Monty Python' episode. All credit goes to them for him. (Eh?)