Title: Brain Elves Chapter 1
Series: Rurouni Kenshin
Author: Nicky Townsend 
Email: battousai@licensedtokill.com

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Nicky Townsend (battousai@licensedtokill.com) 

Disclaimer: The characters of Rurouni Kenshin belong to Watsuki 
Nobuhiro, Shounen Jump, and Sony...Inspiration for this fic came 
from the Erasure song "Heavenly Action" Lyrics are after the fic 
if you care... 

This is a parody that was written in a few moments of insanity, and 
definitely sleep deprivation...not to mention with a couple of beers 
(with the parts written at my boyfriend's mother's house) Stuff 
between *here* is mental conversations (don't ask) and stuff in 
::here:: is mental action (once again, don't ask) Split personalities 
and/or schizophrenia are so fun to work with...Also if swear words 
offend you, you're in the wrong place. In a nutshell: this fic is 
really weird, even for me! 

Lemon Warning! Graphic depiction of oral sex are present here...not 
actual intercourse...Kaoru is still underage after all!! Anyway...
this is also my FIRST lemon, so please...be gentle....   

Brain Elves: A Rurouni Kenshin Parody 

Part 1: A Jouney to the Center of Confusion

Laundry. Add laundry to an endless parade of household chores, and 
that's my life now. Certainly preferable to what I used to do. It's 
nice to have something as mundane and everyday to do as laundry. It's 
nice to have settled down a bit, not having to worry about it raining,
when your only roof is the sky.  

Living at the dojo with Kaoru and Yahiko certainly isn't boring. And 
Megumi and Sano are never too far away. It sort of feels like a family
here... Although Kaoru and I would have switched roles, and Yahiko 
being sort of like a son to both of us. Yahiko is a good kid, and 
Kaoru is a good person to finish raising him. 

Even as I sit here on my stool scrubbing one of Kaoru's gi's, I watch 
the two of them tear across the yard, trading yells of "BUSU, BUSU!!" 
and "Yahiko-CHAN!!!", with Kaoru waving her bokken, with the threat of 
polishing the dojo floor to a mirror shine. Yahiko has turned and is 
running my way, that "Save me from this THING!!" look in his eyes. He 
took a flying leap over my wash tub, clearing it easily, Kaoru close 
at his heels. She is not as lucky, and falls right into the warm soapy 
water, creating a tidal wave, and soaking me too. Yahiko, giggling 
insanely, dashes away before he can be caught again. Kaoru climbs out 
of the wash tub with an exasperated "Mou!!"  

Her white gi has suctioned up against her skin, and her drenched 
hakama is clinging quite tightly to her rear, with little rivers of 
air caught beneath drenched fabric. I tried to smother all the 
inappropriate visions that brought to mind with the normal thought 
*She's 11 years younger then you...But that doesn't mean she isn't 
full grown...*, something kindly pointed out. Somehow even while 
trying to squelch it, that thought found it's way in all the same. 

*Focus, Kenshin!* I told myself, and forcibly drug my brain out of 
the gutter and firmly deposited it back in real life. Kaoru was 
staring at me, because I had been staring at her. Her cheeks held 
a healthy and very flattering blush, and her long bluish-black hair 
clung teasingly to the sides of her face, some shockingly near her 
slightly open mouth. I wonder if she realizes how attractive she is 
to me? I wonder if anyone else but me sees her this way? *What 
red-blooded male wouldn't see a sexy woman for what she is? ::smack::
 Shut up, you* I slid the innocent friendly mask back on my face.  

*Deny everything!* "Kaoru-dono, your clothes are soaked! You should 
go change before you catch cold" There. That sounds like the regular 
me. The me that didn't see her nipples harden into tight little buds 
against the cold cloth as a breeze wafted through the court yard...
The me that wanted desperately to tease those tight peaks with the 
tip of my tongue.....*Stop that! ::thwack!!::* 

Her eyes narrowed slightly at the sudden change in my facial expression
... A small smile took one side of her mouth. "Only if you promise to 
come get them for me..." With that, she turned and left me sitting, 
soaked, in the middle of the yard, gapping after her. 

The remark itself was innocent, but the expression her face had held 
while asking for it, which was anything but innocent, baffled me. 
Baffled me, because I didn't think... she... knew ...about that kind 
of stuff?  

I could feel one section of my brain, the one that had been alone 
since Tomoe, 13 years ago, jumping up and down in my head with glee.  

One of my brain's most prominent sections, the violent one, was 
ignoring the affair altogether, while the other major section, my 
sensible, NORMAL, rurouni self, was shocked senseless. It's eyes were
spiraling and muttering to itself "Pretty...girl...wants...ME??? 
Ororororo..." 

Lonely was still hopping around, and chanting "I'm gonna get LA-AID!!,
I'm gonna get LA-AID!! I'm gonna get--urk!" ::THUMP::  

Violent sent Lonely flying, and calmly spoke, "Stop that NOW" Violent 
approached Sensible, who was now Confused, "Are you going to sit there
like an idiot, or do I need to beat the sense back into you?" That 
was when Nervous showed up, twiddling his fingers, and watching them 
intently with wide eyes. 

"But what if we took it wrong?" Nervous asked...well, nervously. 
Violent, Sensible, and Lonely (who had recovered himself) gawked at 
Nervous, and pointed in the "direction" Kaoru had gone. "We know you 
heard that", they said in unison. "We know you SAW that" they 
continued after a moment of silence from Nervous. Nervous decided that
 his job was finished, and quickly gave way to Panic, who was huddled 
in a corner, clutching the gi of Kaoru's he had recently washed.  

"But...but...it's been over 10 years...I'm no good at THAT anymore...
I can't...I just can't...what if I did...and I disappointed her? I 
just couldn't bear it...." Violent, Lonely and Sensible glanced at 
each other, and simultaneously jumped Panic, beating him into 
Submission, where they tied him up, gagged him and dropped him in a 
nearby river.  

They all nodded at each other with satisfaction that the enemy had 
been vanquished. Lonely turned to Sensible and Violent, and said 
rather loudly "That decides it, now doesn't it? " 

Sensible only nodded, and Violent smiled (a rare feat indeed) amusement
glinting in his amber-yellow eyes.  

Sensible realized something right then, and smacked his forehead. 
"Aren't we missing someone here? For this to happen anyway?" 

Lonely shook his head, and tried to cover it up. Violent, as violent 
as he was, still knew what was important, and agreed totally with what
 Sensible was implying. They both went quickly to searching.  

Violent was the one that found him; he was lying in a field twirling 
a flower absently between his thumb and index finger, with a far away 
and dreamy look on his face. Violent could only shake his head in 
disgust, before whapping poor Love-Sick over the head, knocking him 
out. He picked Love-Sick up by the collar of his gi, and drug him back
to where Lonely and Sensible were waiting, and dropped him on the hard 
ground. 

"Is this what you meant, Sensible?" pointing to the spirally eyed 
Love-Sick lying on the ground. Sensible nodded happily, and looked at 
the other two, with a smile. Love-Sick's presence made all the 
difference in the world.  

"That definitely settles it, then"  

 *~*~*  

I shook myself out of reverie, to hear Kaoru calling my name from her
room. I know the grin on my face must have looked stupid, but I didn't
care. I had a new mission... Ninmu ryoukai... 

To say that I disappeared from my laundry stool and reappeared in front
of Kaoru's door in a matter of seconds would be an understatement. As
much in haste as I was, I still had the presence of mind, and the 
polite nature, to knock before entering. Although catching her in a 
state of undress would be ideal, it should at least be by her choice...
*What are you talking about, you idiot! Get to it already! ::SMACK!!:: 
Don't rush him! This too important for him to fuck up because of your 
impatience!* "Gods, are they annoying..." I mutter to myself, while 
waiting as patiently as humanly possible for Kaoru to respond. (Under 
the circumstances, anyway)  

Luckily for me, my patience is quickly rewarded (does that still make 
it patience?), and I hear Kaoru bid me enter. The old wooden door 
slides back with its familiar wooden scratching sound, and I nervously 
step inside. *Hey when did you come back? ::Sounds of scuffle and duct 
tape being applied:: There, that ought to keep him out of the way for 
a while... Go back to what you were doing, and just pretend we're not 
here!* * You said, it all right* I silently replied back to them.  

I had hesitated in Kaoru's door a bit too long, and she was looking at 
me strangely again. Once again, I slid the friendly innocent mask down 
over my real face. She wasn't fooled this time, and she just shook her 
head in amusement. A small smile quirked her beautiful mouth, giving 
her the most impish look.  

*"Ooooh...She's sooooo sexy...."*  

*"Oooh you're awake Love-Sick! Just in time too!"*  

*"Yeah you almost missed the best part!*  

*You guys* I added warningly inside my head *You promised to be 
quiet*

Lonely waved one hand placatingtly, a shit-eating grin on his face. 
*You won't even know we're here* 

*Back to the real world once again...* Kaoru was staring at me like I 
was crazy. I hadn't said any of that out loud had I? 

"Kaoru-dono, is something wrong?" 

She started a bit, and shook her head vehemently. "Oh no, not at all. 
It just seemed like you were somewhere else for a minute." *Somewhere 
else indeed.* Violent added tartly in my head *She doesn't know how 
right she was* I ignored Violent's rude comment, because threatening 
him wouldn't get me anywhere. Kaoru, however, was looking at me 
questioningly.  

I plastered that smile back on my face once again, and "Oh no, it's 
nothing, I didn't sleep very well last night, and now I'm sort of out
of it. Anyway, you called me, what did you need?"  

*Duh. She needs a good lay!* Violent smacked Lonely with the flat of 
his blade across the back of the neck. *Thank you* I told him silently,
and he simply nodded.  

In the meantime Kaoru's face had taken on the most winsome quality, 
and her clothes were still stuck to her lithe body, forming a second 
skin, which left almost NOTHING to the imagination. "...I'm so cold, 
Kenshin. You'll help keep me warm, right?" 

Love-Sick passed out again, a gout of blood spouting from each nostril.
 Violent was smirking and just nodding like this was what he had 
expected all along, and Sensible was passed out next to Love-Sick. 
Lonely had that same huge shit-eating grin plastered all over his 
face. *Oh great. It's just you two now? How am I supposed to manage 
with just the two of you here?* 

A new voice then spoke up, *"Don't you worry about a thing. I'll help 
you out"* I stared at the new voice in shock. Smooth winked at me and 
flashed me a Victory sign *"Just listen to me, and she'll think you're 
the greatest thing on earth"*  

"Kenshin?" Kaoru's voice sounded lost, and little bit scared. Her plea
struck me right in the heart, where it flared, and shot to the pit of 
my stomach, and it's warmth spread to the rest of my body *"She thinks
you're going to reject her. Sooth her."* With his advice came a mental
picture of what I should do. I felt my eyes narrow a bit, and a smile 
curved one side of my mouth. I closed the distance between us slowly, 
and placed my hands on her shoulders.  

"It's these clothes that are making you cold. You should really take 
them off..." I slowly slid one of my hands under the collar of her gi,
and pushed it over her shoulder, meanwhile lightly nipping and licking
at the soft flesh of her throat. I gave her all the time she needed to 
tell me no, but I heard no protest. My other hand slid under the other
side and pushed it off, her gi fell, hanging from where it was tucked 
into the waistband of her hakama. Normally she kept her breasts bound 
while wearing her practice outfit, but not today. Just as slowly, I 
untied the sash that held up her hakama. 

It still stuck to her flesh, and didn't fall off the way I had planned.
I got another quick flash from Smooth. I silently thanked whatever 
powers bent above me, and I knelt before her, and placed my hands at 
her waist. After placing a small kiss just above her navel, I swept 
the wet fabric away from her body. 

Pressing my nose into the firm muscle of her flat belly, I closed my 
eyes, and sighed. I felt her shiver, as my breath moved over her damp 
flesh. I shivered myself, just then remembering that my clothes were 
soaked too. After straitening up, I careful wrapped my arms around 
her, and pulled her to me. My face right next to her ear, I whispered 
softly, "Why don't we keep each other warm?"  

Lonely voice suddenly intruded into my thoughts "* Go Kenshin! You da 
MAN!! WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!!!!"* 

*"Guys"* I pleaded silently. *" I'm trying to concentrate. Will you 
do something about him PLEASE?"* Violent produced a ball gag out of 
nowhere, along with a pair of leather cuffs. He and Smooth made quick
work of Lonely, who was stashed roughly in the corner, but was happy
because he could still see. 

*Thank you. Please see to it that no one else interrupts me.* I felt 
a cold hand slid under the fabric of my own gi, mimicking me. "Why 
don't we then?" Her voice offered huskily.  

My gi was quickly on the floor on the other side of the room, Kaoru 
having thrown it in her haste to bid rid of it. The feel of her hands 
sliding up my chest, and around my neck...Her soft breasts pressed 
against my chest...It had been so long I'd forgotten how it felt.  

We practically fell onto her futon. Her fingers were pressed steadily 
harder into my back, as I dipped my tongue into hallows of her neck, 
and sliding down further, giving into my earlier temptation. She gasped
loudly, and I smiled slightly into her skin, only the very tip of my 
tongue still flicking over the tightened bud. I felt hands pressed into
the back of my head, twined in my hair, as if asking me "Take ALL of 
it..." Who was I to say no? I took the aching peak in my mouth, my 
other hand massaging it's twin, and she threw her head back. A hiss 
escaped her mouth, her hips grinding steadily harder against mine...  

A smell, the powerful scent of feminine arousal drifted up, and I had 
the most insane craving to taste. Tomoe had never smelled so sweet. 
*Tomoe was a prude. She never would have let you do that, and you know
it.*, Violent broke in again rudely. Although I still loved Tomoe 
dearly, I was forced to agree. Even still I had to reply tartly in my 
mind 

*They both have their good points. Tomoe was a prude. Kaoru can't
cook. No one is perfect. Now please guys. SHUT UP* And now, back to 
the task at hand... 

I then realized that even while momentarily lost in thought, I had 
still been traveling slowly downward, and I was once again even with 
her navel. She had the smallest little potbelly. I've always thought 
these were adorable, overly thin women are disgusting. For just a 
second I forgot my purpose, and I just had to nibble at that little 
belly for just as second.  

But I was not distracted permanently. I could feel every part of my 
brain leaning forward just waiting for that first taste. For a moment 
she looked down at me, nervous, and I smiled at her, leaning my head 
against one of her thighs. "Daijoubu." I told her. She lay back, but 
was still rigid. I could tell she was trying to relax, but she was 
still having a hard time.  

*In a few minutes she'll won't care what you're doing, as long as you 
don't stop* I felt Smooth whisper to me with a smile. *Your delay is 
only making her more nervous. Just do as I say, and everything will 
work out fine...* 

I got another mental picture from Smooth. I know I blushed. *It WAS 
you idea* Smooth kindly pointed out. And yes. It was. I wanted to. And
 so I did. I wanted to know, did she taste as good as she smelled? A 
tentative lick, and her back arched, strung like a bow. That was all 
the encouragement I needed. I went to my task as I tried to do every-
thing; perfectly and with precision. 

Her response was everything. I don't think even that if she'd done the
equivalent to me, would I have been so hard. Little gasps, her head 
tossing on the pillow, the slight twitching when I hit just the right 
spot. This right here was plenty for me, if she didn't want anything 
else. 

::CRUNCH CRUNCH::  

*Oh god, what are they doing now?* I rolled my eyes in annoyance behind
my eyelids. 

*What does it sound like I'm doing? I'm eating my popcorn!* ::CRUNCH 
CRUNCH:: Lonely had somehow gotten free. And now his infernal crunching
was distracting me from one of the most important battles of my life!  

*Someone...Please?* 

Violent stood up, katana in hand. *Remember you asked for this...* and
cleanly decapitated Lonely.  

Mentally, I bowed to him *You have my eternal thanks* 

Violent gave me another of his rare smiles. *Loneliness can make 
people do stupid things. Don't worry about it*

I thanked him once again, and brought my mind back to the present. I 
felt Kaoru tense, and go rigid, her fingers digging into the back of 
my head and twisting my hair. Her other hand clawed convulsively at 
her futon. I took one last lick and pushed my tongue inside her. If 
possible, he body tighten even further, and she cried out, unable to 
take anymore, she tore my head away from her.  

I saw Violent shake hands with Smooth, and Smooth clapped him on the 
back. He then looked at me, and winked. *Omedeto on a job well done. 
Call me if you need me again, okay? Here's my card...* I filed the 
white business card away for future reference.  

I pulled myself up to lay next to Kaoru, and pulled her into my arms. 
Her eyes still closed she heaved a deep lazy sigh, and wrapped her 
arms around me. For a second she just lay there, contentment oozing 
out of her pores. Her eyes opened slowly and met mine, "Kenshin...That
was wonderful..." 

I smiled and rubbed the tip of my nose against hers, nuzzling. "I'm 
glad you enjoyed it." Masculine pride allowed me a mental pat on the 
back at this point.  

Kaoru looked confused, her eyebrows drawn together tightly "But...what
about you? Aren't you...aren't you still..." She blushed prettily, 
unable to finish her sentence. 

A quick kiss and I answered "Don't worry about me. I want to make sure
 you're totally ready for it. After all, you're still young, and I'm 
in no hurry. I'm not going anywhere any time soon." 

*DUMBSHIT!!* Lonely's decapitated head screamed at me. * I can not 
BELIEVE you just passed that up. You are SUCH an idiot!!* Violent 
reappeared instantaneously, and proceeded to cut Lonely's head into 
tiny pieces. He scraped them all into a bag, filled it the rest of 
the way with rocks, tied it off, and dropped it into the same river 
they had dumped Panic into earlier.  

Violent gave me a wry smile *Hopefully, he won't be back, this time*  

Kaoru had snuggled against my chest, and dozed off. *Yes, there was 
always next time*, I thought to myself.