Aikan Muyo
Chapter 7 - No Need For Piracy

Dedicated to all those who dare to break the rules, who fly their own
flag, and who love the stars.


     "There is a light that
      Shines on the frontier,
      And baby someday
      We're gonna be there,
      Pirates, yeah,
      Pirates.
      And on a dark night
      When you feel lonely,
      And when the world just
      Can't understand you,
      Pirates, yeah,
      Pirates."
        - "Pirates", Tori Amos


"...nor will we seek help from anyone," vowed the space pirate Captain
Harlock, as the violins wept sorrowfully for his departed Maya. "Never
again will we fight under another's flag. We will keep on fighting,
only for what we believe in, under only our flag, for as long as we
live. Under my flag!"

Harlock faced each of his companions in turn, then swept his hand
forward and pointed dramatically.

"Waga Seishun no Arcadia-oh - hassheen!"

"Queen Emereldas-oh - hassheen!"

Sasami, princess of planet Jurai, sat on the couch petting Ryo- oh-ki
and munching popcorn as the orchestra swelled triumphantly, the ships'
engines fired, Jolly Rogers flew by, and the singer sang of setting
out to chase his dream in solitude. On her head Sasami wore a
jauntily-feathered pirate hat, one of Tenchi's childhood cast-offs,
and the eyepatch that went with it, though it wasn't covering an eye.
Across her knees lay one of Tenchi's bokkens.

"Citizens of Earth," ranted a bald and mustached man, "the lawless
ones have gone! Let us combine our strength with Illumidus, and once
again build a paradise on Earth..."

Ryoko, the galaxy's most-wanted space pirate, sat lotus-style,
floating sideways above and behind Sasami's head, occasionally
reaching down into the popcorn bowl to grab a few kernels. She tossed
one idly and with perfect aim at the ugly screaming face, and it
bounced off the TV screen to land on the floor.

Harlock stood at the Arcadia's helm, red cape and black skull-
and-crossbones waving behind him. "Oh, you fools! Dance to your
hearts' content in that small world of yours! Our world is the whole
of space!" And as the credits rolled, two ships - one black and red,
the other mostly green - sailed off into "space, oh frozen sea of
stars."

Sasami turned her head and looked up. "So, is that what it's like to
be a space pirate, Ryoko? It looks cool!"

"Well, I've never flown a flag like that one," replied Ryoko. "Only
Earthlings do that. But it does look nice, now that I think of it."
Ryoko paused for moment. "Harlock didn't seem to enjoy himself much,
though. He was so *serious*. It's more like a game, for me, Sasami."

"But you battle the people who try to tell you what to do, and you
don't fight by the rules?"

"Uh-huh. `That's the way a pirate fights.' They got *that* right. And
then there's stealing stuff, too." Her eyes gleamed when she thought
of it. It had been a while since she'd practiced her profession.

"I wish I could try it sometime," mused Sasami. "It really sounds like
lots of fun."

"Oh, it was... I mean, *is*," agreed Ryoko. Come to think of it, she
didn't have anything planned for tonight. *Hmmm... well, why the hell
NOT?*

"How about right now, Sasami?" she suggested.

"You really mean it, Ryoko?" gasped Sasami, her eyes wide.

"No time like the present."

Minutes later, about five thousand feet over the Masaki residence,
Ryo-oh-ki hovered, eagerly waiting to depart.

"Care to do the honors, Sasami-chan?" offered Ryoko with a smile.

Sasami's face beamed. She pulled the patch down over one of her eyes
and raised the bokken high in salute.

"Ryoko no Ryo-oh-ki, hassheen!"

Somewhere not very far from snow-covered Fuji-san, two F-16J fighters
cruised through the skies. The lead plane was piloted by Major Toda
Hiro-Matsu, a much-respected officer almost to retirement age, known
to his peers as Iron Fist. His wingman was Lieutenant Kasigi Omi.

Omi gripped the control stick as if it were a katana and he were a
samurai from the days of bushido, when rival daimyos vied with steel
and trickery for the Shogunate. Flying so high and fast, with weapons
beneath his wings, always made him feel that way.

And maybe, in a previous life, I was, he thought to himself.

He was thinking of his girlfriend Kiku-san, and thus not paying much
attention, when something huge with no running lights roared over them
from behind, almost knocking the two JSDF planes out of the sky with
the violent turbulence in its wake.

After he regained control of his aircraft, Omi shook his head in
disbelief and checked his radar.

Nothing.

"What was *that*, Toda-shousa?" 

Hiro-matsu thought for a moment. A huge flying crystal with spikes
like rabbit ears? If he reported *that*, they'd say old Iron Fist was
seeing things, and they'd take him off flight status for sure. There
was no way he was going to let *that* happen, not after he'd managed
to hide his worsening arthritis during his last physical. 

"What was *what*, Kasigi-nii?" he asked calmly.

The space close to Terra was eerily empty and subdued. Satellites
swung through their various monotonous orbits like corpses drifting
with the currents, but no objects moving under their own power could
be seen. Nothing vibrant and *alive*. Ryo-oh-ki alone swam near this
shore of the frozen sea of stars. 

"It's really sad to look down there and not see anything taking off,"
commented Sasami. "Washuu says that sometimes they go *weeks* without
launching anything." She pressed her nose up against the window. "Poor
Earth people."

"Yeah, you're right. It *is* a bit too quiet for me," agreed Ryoko
with a sigh. "Don't worry. They'll decide to come out eventually.
Tenchi seemed to like it, after all."

"Except when Aeka got upset and rammed you."

"Well, there was *that*..."

"And the time Ryo-oh-ki..."

"Oh. Yeah." Ryoko winced. "Don't remind me. I'm really sorry about
what she did to your ship, Sasami"

"Miyyaaa..." apologized Ryo-oh-ki.

Sasami smiled. "I don't mind, now. I'm happy about it. If she hadn't,
Aeka and I wouldn't be with you and Mihoshi and Kiyone and Washuu and
the Masakis." Sasami petted the crystal surface of the cabbit-ship's
interior affectionately. "I don't think it was the carrot. Ryo-oh-ki
knew how much we'd miss you, so she made sure we'd stay. I'm glad she
did." She looked up towards the ceiling. "Thank you, Ryo-oh-ki. Please
don't feel bad about it."

"MIIYYAAA!!!" replied the cabbit-ship happily.

"So, what are we going to steal, Ryoko?"

Amber eyes glanced in vain about the graveyard-still void that wrapped
the blue-green planet. "I don't see anything *to* steal, Sasami. Just
satellites. And cutting off someone's ESPN service won't be any fun...
Wait a minute! *There's* something launching!" Ryo-oh-ki's sensors
focused on a tiny object over central Asia struggling weakly out of
the gravity well.

"It looks like it's headed towards that white thing with all the shiny
black panels on it," observed Sasami.

"Aha! I forgot, the Earthlings *do* have *somebody* out here." Ryoko
grinned her best predatory grin. "And I'll bet that's their supply
ship. We may get to do some pirating after all, Sasami- chan." A
Terran space-crewman's lunch might not be the most valuable cargo
she'd ever taken, but at least it was *something*.

Station commander Vasily Tsibliev carefully watched the monitors, his
hands ready above the controls. "Progress-M on final approach. Stand
by for automatic docking sequence, Mir," crackled a voice in his
headset.

"Da, Kaliningrad. Standing by," responded Tsibliev, keeping a close
eye on the craft's trajectory. High above him, other eyes watched the
Progress-M as well.

"OK! Ryo-oh-ki, let's see what's in there!" ordered Ryoko.

The screen slowly scanned down the length of the inside of the
Progress-M looking for anything worthy of being called "loot."
Assorted spare parts. Bags of pretzels. Glass bottles of liquid
labeled "Brewski". Containers of freeze-dried carrots. Canisters of
borscht. Lots and lots of Tang...

"Miyaaa...?" The picture stopped moving and whipped back.

Containers of freeze-dried carrots.

"Uh-oh," cringed Ryoko and Sasami, looking at each other and sweating.

"MIIYYYAAA!!!!"

"NO, RYO-OH-KI, DON'T!!" yelled Ryoko as the ship accelerated towards
its carrot-bearing target and, beyond it, the space station Mir.
"THOSE ARE *FREEZE-DRIED* CARROTS! YOU WON'T LIKE THEM!"

"MIIYYAAA????" she asked, skeptical, still streaking towards the
unsuspecting and about-to-become-orbital-debris Earthlings.

"Just veer off, and I'll get you some real ones once we land!"

"MIIYYAA?"

"*Yes*, I promise! Now change course before you hit them!"

"MYAA MIIYAA MIIYYAAA!!" Ryo-oh-ki swerved and swept through a wide
parabolic arc around the two Russian craft, its passage inducing a
powerful electromagnetic pulse streaming outward. Instantly the wave's
energy blotted out all other transmissions in the area, including the
signal controlling the Progress-M.

"Nichevo!!" swore Tsibliev as his headphones shrieked into his ears.
He looked back at the monitors and his face went pale. The Progress
was headed straight at them! "Abort! Abort! Kaliningrad, abort!!"
Frantically he stabbed at the button to manually fire the braking
thrusters.

"It's going to hit!" yelled Lazutkin. "Brace yourselves!"

The supply craft slammed into the Spektr module, rocking the entire
station. Lights flickered and alarms screamed.

The ear-splitting noise in Tsibliev's headset faded out, replaced with
static and the voice of ground control. "...status. Repeat, we had
communications interference, Mir. Report status."

"Yob' tvoyu mat', Kaliningrad! You almost killed us!"

"Ouch!" winced Ryoko in sympathy, observing the aftermath of the
collision.

"We didn't hurt them, did we, Ryoko?" asked Sasami, her voice full of
concern.

"I'll go over and check," assured Ryoko. She floated out through
Ryo-oh-ki into space, and flew towards the Earthling's space station.

Tsibliev rested for a moment, calming himself after the terror- filled
moments when everyone aboard was sure they were about to become the
first people from Earth to die in space. He decided to look out one of
the windows to enjoy the view.

It was a very different view than he was used to.

There was someone floating outside. And it wasn't there usual visitor.

Which was too bad. Some pretzels and a Brewski would have been really
good, after all that excitement.

There was a girl outside. Without a spacesuit. And she looked like she
was alive. There was something strange about her eyes, and he'd never
seen anyone with that color hair before, but both of those details was
dwarfed by the bizarreness of someone apparently not bothered by the
absence of air.

She smiled at him and waved.

He waved back.

Then, for some reason, his eyes were drawn to the plunging neckline of
her blouse.

Tsibliev's heart began to thump unsteadily in his chest as blood
squirted out of his nose and floated in zero-gee.

He grabbed the closest absorbent object to start soaking up the red
liquid globs floating around. Hoping he could catch them all before
they got into the ventilation system, he worked frantically, cursing
under his breath. But he was smiling.

Now *those* were *bolshoi*!

He shook his head, berating himself in disgust. *You've been up here
far too long, Vasily. Not only are you seeing women, you're seeing
women with yellow eyes and blue hair*.

Ryoko floated back to her ship. The Earthling's reaction had reminded
her that she definitely needed to bring Tenchi out here the next
chance she got. Alone. She grinned as she materialized back inside
Ryo-oh-ki.

"Are they going to be OK, Ryoko?" asked Sasami. "Should we go give
them some extra air?"

"Nah. They'll be fine, Sasami," replied Ryoko. "As long as they don't
turn off their life support system, or something stupid like that."

"So, what are we going to do next? That supply ship didn't have much
in it. I thought pirates are supposed to steal expensive things from
rich merchants, and stuff like that."

Ryoko meshed the fingers of her hands and rested her chin on them as
she sat down in mid-air and thought. "Hmmmm..." Rich merchants...
expensive stuff...

Back on the Mir, Lazutkin turned away from one of portals, his voice
excited. "Come quick, Vasily! Someone's outside the station!"

"Oh, so you've seen her, too?" asked Tsibliev.

Lazutkin looked at him strangely. "`Her'? No, come and see!"

They both looked out into space. When he saw who it was, a wide smile
broke on Tsibliev's face. The two cosmonauts looked at each other,
grinning with intense happiness.

"Pretzel Boy!"

Shin Kazama guided his Tigershark over the burning sands of war- torn
Asran, conversing by radio with his new squadronmates - one American
F-14 pilot, call-sign "Maverick" (which apparently meant "Disorderly
Horse", or something like that), and four guys in black F-5's from a
country "somewhere near the Indian Ocean." 

"So, Maverick-san, you joined up to follow the tenets of your
religion?" 

"Yeah." It was true. This was the only way he afford the fees.

"Well, whatever you believe in, pray to it now. Zero-Zero section,
bandits inbound. Below us, twelve o'clock, twenty klicks out. Attack!"

Missiles sped in both directions between the closing swarms of
fighters, blasting some to pieces in mid-air, sending others to fall
out of the sky and explode against the ground. The two groups of
jet-propelled adversaries merged in a huge aerial melee. Heat-seeking
missiles streaked and automatic cannon blazed. They transformed more
planes into red-orange fireballs or tumbling, burning coffins
spiraling down with their screaming pilots inside. Still the aircraft
continued to buzz around each other in a huge furball.

Back up in orbit, space pirate Ryoko smirked as her enemies, the
forces of law and order, approached.

She wasn't worried. She knew these people, after all. She waited for
them to appear on the screen.

"Hi, Ryoko! So, watcha doin' up here?" chirped Mihoshi ditzily, as she
waved and smiled.

Ryoko and Sasami waved and smiled back.

Next to Mihoshi, Kiyone gritted her teeth and glared at her partner.
"Ryoko, did you just damage that Terran space station? Interfering
with primitive worlds is a serious crime under Galatic Law article..."

Ryoko interrupted her. "No. They got hit by their supply shuttle. In
*fact*, I just went over to see if they needed help."

Kiyone's expression was skeptical, but looking at the Earthling's
station, it *was* obvious that the puncture in it's hull was about the
right size for an impact with the other ship that floated next to it.

"Hey! That hat looks cute on you, Sasami," observed Mihoshi.

Kiyone's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What are you doing up here with
Ryoko, Sasami?" she asked.

"Ryoko's showing me how to be a space-" started Sasami, before Ryoko
frantically clamped her hands over Sasami's mouth. 

"Just flying around, having a little fun. Not planning to do anything
illegal. No, not at all! Gotta be going!" said Ryoko nervously.

"Take us *down*, Ryo-oh-ki," she ordered under her breath.

"What was that?" asked Kiyone.

"Nothing. Nothing at all. `Bye now!"

"Wait a minute, Ryoko! Where do you think you're going?"

"To get some fuel."

After the screen blanked out, Mihoshi and Kiyone looked at each other
in bewilderment.

"Fuel?" asked Kiyone.

"Maybe she's going to go buy some carrots," suggested Mihoshi.

Back over Asran, Shin was in trouble. He'd expended his Sparrows, his
Sidewinders, and fired off every last 20mm shell. Four MiGs were on
his tail. The new kind, the `29. Fulcrums. All four were firing cannon
and barely missing. Even with his skill he knew he could only evade
them for so long. *Sayonara, my beloved Ryoko. The men I've slain are
about to be avenged. I wish I could be near you again, for just a
moment. But perhaps it's better that you don't see the bloodstained
killer I've become*.

Suddenly the sky behind him erupted in a blinding flash.

Ryo-oh-ki collided with the MiGs at about 5,000 knots, smashing them
like bugs against a windshield before leveling off. Ryoko  grimaced as
she watched the flaming wreckage cascading groundward. 

"Ooops. Sorry about that," she said, a guilty look on her face.

"Did we hit somebody?" asked Sasami in a concerned voice.

"Oh, just some missiles or something. I'm sure nobody was on them,
Sasami-chan. Nothing to worry about!" she assured her, patting the
girl's head. She turned around and looked at nothing in particular.

"Watch *out* next time, will you?" she hissed quietly.

"Miya."

They altered course over the central Arabian peninsula, heading
towards the Persian Gulf. The sonic boom shattered windows all over
Riyadh when they passed overhead at nearly Mach 8.

They came to a stop, hovering about five hundred feet above the
Iranian refinery on Kharg Island.

Amongst the pumping equipment and endless miles of pipeline, oil
workers looked up and watched in awe. Also watching were the crews of
the island's air defenses. They were incredulous. Despite the thing's
size, it didn't show up on radar at *all*!

The battery commander looked at the object, thinking. It was big. It
was strangely shaped. And it was invisible to radar. It could only be
one thing.

"One of the Yankee's B-2 Stealth Bombers!" he shouted. He raised his
fist and shook it at the evil tool of the Great American Satan.

Then he realized something. Those things carried *nukes*.

Terrified, he grabbed a microphone and radioed his superiors on the
mainland.

"This is Kharg Island! We're about to come under nuclear attack! The
Great Satan is going to bomb us!" He turned to his fire control
officer. "Acquire that thing visually and launch the missiles.
Everything we've got!"

In moments Kharg's entire arsenal of American-made "Hawk" SAMs
streaked skyward towards the weird flying object. As the missiles
found their mark, they exploded in harmless flashes of fire.

"Wow!" gasped Sasami, the glow from the hot shrapnel sparkling in her
large eyes. "Aren't those *pretty*, Ryoko?"

The two of them stood watching the bright display of fireworks
bursting all around them, just outside Ryo-oh-ki's skin.

At the same time, the word of an imminent nuclear strike by the Great
Satan had spread through the radio net of the Iranian Air Force. Every
Phantom, Mirage, and MiG they had screamed off the runways and raced
towards the distress call from Kharg Island.

The battery commander swore. All the missiles had hit the target, yet
it hadn't been affected in the slightest. There was no visible damage
whatsoever. "Damn that lying Colonel!" he cursed. "He sold us nothing
but *duds*!"

The beautiful explosions having stopped, Sasami turned her attention
back to the task at hand. "So, what's here that we're going to steal,
Ryoko?"

The galaxy's most-wanted space pirate grinned.

Meanwhile, an American AWACS had spotted what looked like every last
plane in Iran heading south towards the Gulf. A crewman got on the
radio and urgently transmitted a warning. Minutes later, aircraft were
lifting off from airbases in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar, Bahrain, the
Emirates, and from the decks of the USS Nimitz just outside the
Straits of Hormuz. Fuel poured into afterburners, sonic booms cracked
the sky open, and high-tech killing machines by the hundreds rushed to
intercept the Iranian air fleet.

Or primitive killing machines. It depended on one's point of view.

As almost every jet fighter in the Middle East converged on them,
Ryoko argued testily with her ship. She was getting very, very annoyed
with the stubborn cabbit.

"Look, I *told* you. I don't care *what* it tastes like. The
Earthlings consider the damn stuff valuable. It's *loot*. Start
bringing it up!"

"MIIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!" replied Ryo-oh-ki in
disgust. The very *idea* was nauseating.

By now, F-14's from the Nimitz were looking ahead with their
long-range optical scopes, seeking targets for their Phoenix missiles.
One of them saw what was floating above the Kharg refinery.

"What the hell is *that*?!"

"I dunno, Iceman, but whatever it is, it's not showing up on anyone's
radar."

Hearing this, the Nimitz's commanding officer listened skeptically.
"If you idiots are making that up, I'll have you guys flying
plane-loads of cheap whoopie cushions out of Taiwan," he growled.

"Honest, sir, we can see it, but it's not on the radar. Not on
*anybody*'s radar."

Word of the object over Kharg was swiftly beamed by satellite to the
Pentagon.

"If you do it, I'll give you a whole *kilo* of carrots," tempted
Ryoko.

"MIYEEW!" said Ryo-oh-ki, sounding like she was turning her nose up in
the air.

Ryoko held up a pair of fingers. "Two kilos?"

In Washington D.C., a man dipped Chicken McNuggets in barbeque sauce,
sipped a diet soda, and watched television.

"Let's kick the tires and light the fires..."

The President of the United States muted the TV as the Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs ran in, while on-screen, somewhere over Los Angeles, jet
fighters launched missiles at an alien space vessel.

"It's the Iranians!" said the Chairman of the JCS.

"We know. Sit down!" replied the Secretary of Defense.

"So, what's this you've been telling me? The Iranians have developed
their own Stealth Bomber?" asked the President in an Arkansas drawl.

"Yes, Mr. President. That probably means they also have nukes. They
could be launching an attack on us at this very moment, sir. I think
we should go to full alert."

"Watch out for the shield! The shield!"

The Chairman of the JCS, the Secretary of Defense, and the Secretary
of State all face-faulted.

"Uh, Mr. President..."

"Oh, sorry. What were you saying?"

"I said we should go to full alert."

"OK. Go ahead... hey! Look out for the rocks! The rocks!"

Coded signals went to the NORAD base under Cheyenne Mountain. Readouts
blinked on the huge WOPR computer. A klaxon sounded, and a light above
the control room flashed "DEFCON-1."

In Moscow, a white-haired man munched pretzels and drank a Brewski.
They were very *good* pretzels. Not hard and crumbly, like the old
kind.

"YEEEEE-HOOOOOO!!!!!!!..."

The President of the Commonwealth of Independent States muted the TV
as a general from the Strategic Rocket Forces ran in, while on-screen,
somewhere over the USSR, a man in a cowboy hat rode astride a
plummeting nuclear bomb.

The general stopped and munched some pretzels and drank a Brewski.
Then he spoke.

"Mr. President, the Amerikanski just went to DEFCON-1!"

"Those stukakhs! Take us to our state of *maximum* readiness! They'll
see what happens to those who threaten Mother Russia!"

In Beijing, a man was working on a meal of steamed duck and very
famous Cantonese-style sweet and sour pork.

"... very *terrible* legend of panda who drown two thousand year
ago..."

The Premier of the People's Republic of China muted the TV as a
long-haired young man wearing white robes ran in and smacked into a
wall. The man put on his glasses, while on-screen, somewhere in Quan
Tri province, a panda attacked a boy standing atop a wooden pole.

"Curse those treacherous Russians and Americans! They've both gone to
full alert without warning us first!"

The Premier choked on his food. Why *now*? Did it have something to do
with the embargo he was demanding on Taiwanese souveniers, novelties,
and party tricks?

"You're saying we should go on alert as well?" asked the Premier.

"Yes! And there's an airstrike on Japan that needs to be launched
without delay!" He handed over a map.

"Nerima? There aren't any strategic targets *there*. What for?"

The long-haired man pointed to the X that marked ground zero.

"Isn't using nuclear weapons to take out a single dojo kind of...
overkill?"

"He will rue the day he tried to take my shampoo away from me!!!"

The Premier blinked.

"Your *what*?"

Far away, in the skies over Kharg Island, negotiations were still
underway.

"Ten kilos?" asked Ryoko, holding up all her fingers.

"MIIYYEWWW!" refused Ryo-oh-ki again.

Ryoko frowned for moment, frustrated. She'd run out of fingers.

Or maybe *not*.

She concentrated for a moment and split into two identical copies.

"*Twenty* kilos?"

"MIYEEEW!!"

Ryoko sighed. She'd just about given up trying to cajole her ship into
following her orders.

"I can't make her, Sasami. She won't listen to me," she apologized.

"Please, Ryo-oh-ki. Please?" pleaded the princess.

Ryo-oh-ki considered it. She really liked Sasami.

"Miyew," she said finally.

"It's OK, Ryo-oh-ki," assured Sasami. "If it's that bad, we'll find
something else to do."

"MIYAAAA!!!!" said the cabbit-ship, happy that she'd been spared such
a revolting task. Joyously she zoomed spaceward, getting as far away
from the disgusting black fluid as she could.

Just in case Sasami changed her mind.

A while later, oblivious to the hornet's nest they'd stirred up, the
galaxy's most-wanted pirate and her would-be trainee gazed out into
space. Sasami stood next to Ryoko, her eyes downcast in
disappointment.

"Won't we get to do *any* pirating tonight?" she asked sadly.

"I'm sorry, Sasami. There's just not much around here worth stealing.
And if we go outside the Solar system, we'll run into Galaxy Police
besides Mihoshi and Kiyone. It'll be a *real* *hassle*."

"I guess you're probably right," agreed Sasami reluctantly. "I just
wish so *much* we could have done some real pirate stuff."

Ryoko sat down and hugged her. "We had fun though, didn't we?" Sasami
smiled and nodded. "There's more to being a space pirate than just
stealing things, Sasami. You have to fight the forces of law and
order. And you have to have fun. *I* think *that's* the most important
part." Ryoko paused and thought for a moment. "It'll be a while yet
before we have to head back. As long as we're up here, how about we do
a little sightseeing?"

"Yeah! Where should we go?"...

High above Catalina Island, they sat observing the sights of Southern
California. At the moment they were watching surfers hanging ten off
Seal Beach.

"That looks like it would be fun," commented Ryoko. She paused. "If
the waves were a bit bigger."

They scanned down the length of the Hollywood Walk of Fame, reading
the names.

"I know a couple people *I* would add down there," said Sasami
hopefully.

"I don't think Ai or Chisa will get their stars any time soon," Ryoko
replied, regretful and just a little angry. "They don't give them out
for things like that."

"But why not?" demanded Sasami. "They *deserve* it. Really they do.
It's not fair! Why *not*, Ryoko?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't know, Sasami-chan," answered Ryoko with a
shrug. "You tell me."

As the sensor focus passed through Brentwood, it chanced upon a
mansion with a white Ford Bronco parked in the driveway. Inside stood
a tall, muscular man clad in a leather body suit and a football
helmet. He wielded a whip, with which he lashed a shadow-hidden
figure, and as he did so the sensors' audio pick-up piped in his
shouts.

"`O.J.-sama' to oyobi! `O.J.-sama' to oyobi!"

Ryoko and Sasami looked at each other and cringed, blushing blue.

"I don't think I want to see any more of *that*," said Ryoko,
shuddering.

"Neither do I," agreed Sasami. "It was really yucky."

Quickly they shifted their view northeast.

"Hey, wait a minute! Are those *pirates*?" asked Sasami.

"Sure looks like it," agreed Ryoko.

"Let's get a closer look, Ryo-oh-ki!"

"MIIYYAAA!!!"...

Ryo-oh-ki hung in geosynchronous orbit two hundred miles above the
Nevada desert. Directly over Area 51, ironically enough. Ryoko and
Sasami had just finished using the long-range sensors to watch the
pirate show in front of the Treasure Island Hotel & Casino again. The
heroic rogues had blasted the forces of law and order into the
hereafter. Which was as it should be. It was almost time to head home,
though.

Ryoko made the sensor focus flit about Las Vegas at random, admiring
all the pretty neon lights. Especially the ones that matched her hair
or eyes. Then on a whim she decided to test the magnification. The
objects on the screen ballooned crazily, enlarging until a knot of
people, then one sad-faced man, then the newspaper he was reading,
then a single article filled the view. *I wonder what it says...
hmmm... WHAT?!*. Suddenly she face-faulted in a heap, then leapt back
up to continue reading, her expression grim, then angry, then livid.

"...and includes, without limitation, a cartoon or an animated film...
which contains a visual representation or image of a person or portion
of the human body which depicts nudity, sexual conduct or
sado-masochistic abuse..."?!?!?!

"`Abuse'? Are they making fun of Juraian courtship rituals?" asked
Sasami in a hurt and puzzled voice. "I'm glad Aeka isn't here. She'd
be *really* *mad*."

"Grrr...!!" snarled Ryoko angrily, still reading. *Nudity*? What was
wrong with *nudity*? She *liked* nudity! To say nothing of "sexual
conduct." What prudes! On finishing, she drew herself up, stern and
fierce and eyes burning bright.

"Ryo-oh-ki, prepare to fire!" she ordered, indicating the targets.

"MIIYYAA!"

Sasami jumped up and down enthusiastically. "We're going to attack
something, Ryoko? Cool!"

Ryoko bared her fangs and pointed. "FIRE!!"

"MIIIIYYYYYAAAAAA!!!!!!" 

Avenging crimson beams of energy lanced Earthward.

On the planet's surface, two huge explosions blossomed fiery red
amidst mighty "BOOOOOOOMMMM!!!"s. In space, there was silence.

Moments later, smoking craters were all that remained of both the
Nevada legislature and governor's mansion.

"Wow! So *that's* what it's like to be a space pirate!" exclaimed
Sasami. Ryoko nodded and smiled. *Now* it was time to go home. She
borrowed Sasami's eyepatch and pirate hat and put them on. Then she
held up her energy sword in salute.

"Ryoko no Ryo-oh-ki - hassheen!" she shouted, and the Earth rolled
beneath them. As they crossed California again, thin red beams blazed
down, dancing. Kanji glowed, etched hot into the stone on two squares
on a sidewalk in Hollywood. Then they were over the Pacific, its deep
blue water sliding past as they headed westward towards a house
somewhere in the isles of Nippon.

The pirates had smashed the forces of law and order once more.

Which was as it should be.


Preview of Next Episode: No Need for Experimentation

Hesitantly, Tenchi opened the door to Washuu's lab and slowly went
inside, followed by Ryoko and Aeka. They stopped for a moment when
they heard what sounded like several people engaged in loud, energetic
sex. Sweating, the three of them crept towards the noise. It was
coming from the other side of a wall of lab equipment. 

When they reached it, the trio paused again. They all knew better than
to jostle anything in Washuu's lab. It might blow up the house, the
planet, the Solar system, the galaxy, or the universe. Maybe several
universes, if it was a really complex experiment. With great care they
made their way around the end and looked to see what the source of the
sound was. When they saw, they all blushed blue and froze in terror.

It was not a sight for the faint of heart.